Sunday, March 29, 2015

not what i will

The struggle to follow Christ, to obey his will, is constant - particularly in a dark world that does not acknowledge God... Sometimes, it is so hard to echo the words of Jesus in Gesthemane, "Not what I will, but what you will." 

A few days ago, I was able to spend some time in the Stations of the Cross prayer garden that is adjacent to the Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi, in Santa Fe. Praying before each of the massive bronze Stations, I slowly worked my way around the garden path. After praying the Stations, I sat quietly in the garden and meditated on Jesus' Passion. The bronze sculptures that make up the Stations of the Cross in this garden are rough and textural, nearly primitive in their expressions - and they illustrate the suffering of Christ in a manner that makes them painful to observe.

Suffering that we can barely imagine.

Suffering that was an act of love, to be sure. But beyond that, the suffering of Christ was also an act of perfect trust - trusting that God the Father would not let his suffering be in vain. And beyond that, Christ's suffering was an act of perfect obedience. 

During the reading of the Passion at Mass this morning, my attention was particularly drawn to Jesus' words: "Not what I will, but what you will." 

Lord, you know how poorly I obey you, so often. How often my words are not your own - when instead I say, "not what you will, Lord, but what I will." 

Lord, I love you. Yet clearly, I love you so poorly that I am unfaithful to you, unfaithful to your will, unfaithful to your unfathomable love. It seems to me that, knowing your great love, I should be more faithful to you, and doing your will should not be so difficult for me. Yet I struggle with it, in even the smallest of things. How can it be that my heart is still so hard? 

The Eighth Station: Jesus Speaks to the Women -
Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi, Santa Fe, NM

Though I am a bit late to the party, still hitting the linkup with Blessed Is She! ;)

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