Thursday, March 19, 2015

unpredictable weather

Springtime weather in the desert is unpredictable - sudden storms can obscure our vision - forcing us to trust that we are headed the right direction. Likewise, in the spiritual life, God sometimes obscures the path from our sight. He knows what he is accomplishing, even when our faith and trust in him are challenged. 

Lent. Over the years, I have often felt as if I've been kicked out into the desert during Lent, feeling spiritually alone and unsure of myself - like parachuting out of a plane at night, not knowing where you'll land, or what you'll find when you hit the ground. 

Lent. You probably know, the word means "spring" - and this had often seemed so ironic. Springtime in the desert is often less tulips-and-daffodils, and more tumbleweeds and wind. The land is dry and dusty, begging for rain. Honestly, I prefer autumn.

Lent. Last year, I was particularly drawn to praying with the gospel story of Jesus' temptation in the desert. At the time, I was beginning to heal from some "tough stuff" I'd been through in the previous several years - tough stuff that had deeply challenged my faith and trust in God. A beautiful intervention of grace (more on that another time) several months prior had helped me find the will to begin rebuilding my life with Christ, but I was, by no means, healed. 

While praying this gospel one afternoon, I found myself, in my mind's eye, standing in the desert - the same dry, dusty, juniper- and chamisa-covered expanse that I have always pictured when praying with this passage. This time, however, it was much more "real" - as though the Lord was drawing me more deeply into prayer by allowing me a more vivid experience of the scene. 

looked around the dry, dusty desert, and lifting my head, looked up at the sky. Clouds were gathering, in the manner one might expect before a summer monsoon rain. An unexpected breeze swept across the land, carrying the sweet scent of desert rain and moist sagebrush. I closed my eyes, breathing it in, feeling unusually at peace. 

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

The breeze grew stronger. Eyes still closed, I flinched, expecting the stinging impact of blowing sand to follow. Instead, I felt raindrops, and heard their quiet drumming on the dry land.  

Sensing the presence of another, I opened my eyes. The "other" was Jesus, standing before me. I thought my heart would burst inside my chest, yet I hesitated

“My daughter,” he said, stepping forward to embrace me, “I love you.” 

The hesitance disappeared. I collapsed into his arms, sobbing into his cloak, unable to speak.  

After a few moments, Jesus spoke: "I know what you have suffered. Will you let go, and let me heal you? I love you." 

How could I not trust?

*Linking up with the Blessed Is She Sisterhood today, on the topic of trust - check it out!*

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